


Field of Play

by myenduringheart



Category: EXO (Band), Z.Tao (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, M/M, Strippers & Strip Clubs, age gap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-13
Updated: 2015-12-13
Packaged: 2018-05-06 11:42:52
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 18,756
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5415635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/myenduringheart/pseuds/myenduringheart
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lu Han is single and stuck in a career he hates. The highlight of his week is Fridays, when he goes to the strip club after work in time for Tao's show. Perhaps Lu Han needs to reassess some things in his life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Tao & Lu.](http://taoandlu.livejournal.com/)

**1.**

 

It's been a long week, but that doesn't mean much when all of Lu Han's weeks feel long nowadays. 

Fortunately right now it's Friday night, and he's at his favourite place. 

He loosens the knot of his tie and sinks back into the chair. He'd removed his suit jacket when he entered the club, placing it into coat check, but apart from that he's still in his work clothes. Even though he practically lives in a suit, the clothes feel stiff and constricting tonight, particularly against the luxurious and plushness of the chair underneath him. It's surprising how nice the material is, considering the setting. 

The waiter brings him the beer he requested, placing a tall pint glass frosted with condensation down carefully on top of a paper coaster. Lu Han thanks him, his manner distracted, as he checks the heavy watch on his wrist. 

It's nearly 11pm - the one time that he looks forward to all week. Lu Han always works late on Friday nights, declining all offers of dinner and after work drinks with his colleagues at the law firm, so he can time his arrival at the club just before _he_ shows up on stage. Lu Han had stumbled across this place, and him, one fortuitous night months ago. He'd drawn the short straw - had been put in charge of entertaining a particular client, who Lu Han's teammates all disliked. They thought she was brash, overconfident, loud, but Lu Han didn't mind her. So he'd taken her out - and after dinner and probably too many drinks (she'd even managed to get Lu Han to dance, he remembers with a shudder) she had wanted to go to a club. 

But not just any club - a strip club. A gay strip club.

And, she'd said, he _had_ to accompany her otherwise she wouldn't be allowed in.

Before that night, the only strip clubs that Lu Han had frequented were during post work events or bachelor parties, with the strippers all distinctly female. Lu Han had always kept a very tight lid on his sexuality, particularly at work, but that night with his client - when Tao stepped on stage - he forgot all about that. 

Fortunately she either didn't notice how intently he was watching Tao's routine - she seemed to be enjoying the stage rather a lot too - or she was too discreet to mention it. 

That was almost two months ago, and Lu Han has returned every Friday night since then. At this time of the night the club is almost full, and up on the stage one of the other dancers is finishing up. He's a tall, lanky kid, with a long torso, round ass, and a perpetually unimpressed face. While he's handsome and a good dancer, he doesn't appeal to Lu Han, although he has many fans scattered around the room, judging by the whistling and hollering as the kid works his pants off his slim hips as he sways in time to the music. 

Lu Han sips his beer slowly. He tries not to drink too much while he's here, trying to keep his mind clear so he can enjoy every second of Tao's routine. Not long afterwards the lights on stage dim as unimpressed kid stalks off. He'll wander the crowd in a bit, peddling lap dances. Lu Han places his glass on the table, his palms suddenly sweaty as the beginning notes of Tao's music starts to play. 

A voice says over the loudspeaker: "Please welcome to the stage, our romantic leopard of the night - Z.Tao!" The introduction is always the same and Lu Han could recite it if he wanted to, but right now he's leaning forward, anticipation fluttering inside him and making his mouth dry.

Finally the heavy curtains are drawn back and Tao _prowls_ down the catwalk to the stage, hips swinging as he reaches the pole in the middle. Tonight he's clad in a tiny pair of booty shorts - leopard print - showcasing his strong thighs and long legs. He's topless already, a black harness strapped across his toned chest, and his tanned skin shining under the lights. 

Lu Han's stomach feels heavy with excitement. Tao performs different routines each week - he has several that he rotates through - and Lu Han knows by the way he's dressed that tonight is a pole night.

Tao is stunning - captivating - hair bleached a dirty blond, the undersides shaved with an undercut. His ears are lined with piercings, the ones in his lower lobes dangling as he moves, and his eyes are fierce, lined with jet black eyeliner. No matter how often Lu Han sees him, his reaction to Tao is always the same: lust, desire, anticipation. 

Tao tips his head back, exposing the long line of his neck, licking his lips slowly and sensuously. Lu Han catches the gleam of a piercing as his tongue flicks out. It's the first time that Lu Han has noticed it, and it makes him feel jittery. 

Tao knows how to perform, put on a show, and this is why Lu Han returns every Friday to see him. He owns the stage whenever he's on it, and is able to use the pole like it's an extension of himself. 

The music goes quiet for a moment as Tao circles the pole with flowing steps, his hips working from side to side as he grinds against the metal before the beat builds, filling the entire room. He leaps up, his hands clasping the pole near the top, using the momentum to swing around it in a graceful arc a couple of times, his movements smooth and assured and seemingly weightless. 

The boy who'd been on stage previously stops by Lu Han's table on his circuit through the room. Up close he's younger than Lu Han thought, and also very pretty. 

He's also blocking Lu Han's view. 

Lu Han is too polite to ask him to move, but the boy notices Lu Han trying to peer around him and he gives him a little smirk that completely transforms his face. "Guess you're not interested in a lap dance from _me_ ," he says, giving him a little finger wave as he departs, allowing Lu Han to return his attention back to Tao.

Up on the stage, Tao has flipped himself upside down, one of his legs hooked around the pole and supporting his entire weight. His strength is apparent as his muscles work, and Lu Han admires the cut line of his abs and v line of his hips that are on display as he slowly slides down, his back against the pole. Hands safely on the ground, he kicks his legs free from the pole, bringing them back down to the floor so he can right himself. 

He dances against the pole seductively, his gaze hooded as he loses himself in the music, and Lu Han is completely enthralled. 

When the last notes of the music fades out, Tao's skin is flushed and his chest is heaving with exertion as he quickly gathers the money that people have thrown on stage. He gives the audience one last sultry look before sauntering off, his ass bouncing as he walks. 

Soon, like the other kid, he'll walk around the club selling lapdances. In the weeks that Lu Han has been coming to the club he's yet to purchase one. Partly it's because Tao gets snapped up almost immediately, and Lu Han often watches enviously as he leads other customers off to a private room. But the other reason - Lu Han isn't sure if he can handle being in close quarters with him. 

Lu Han is all too aware that he doesn't know Tao personally, but with the way that he projects himself onstage and the way he's effortlessly sexy - he seems to own his body and his sexuality. He's sultry and beautiful, and while Lu Han is charmed, he's also a little intimidated. 

Lu Han finishes his beer. The last dregs are warm and flat and he wrinkles his nose. Still, it helps to wet his throat, which had gone dry during Tao's routine. Lu Han checks his watch, thinking that it must be time for him to go home, when unexpectedly someone slips into the chair across from him. 

It's Tao. 

Lu Han notes that he's still topless, skin glistening with the remnants of sweat from his dancing, before he hastily flicks his eyes back up to Tao's face. He blushes when he realises that Tao has noticed, judging by the hint of amusement on his face. 

But his voice when he talks isn't mocking - it's low and soft. "Would you like a private dance?" he asks.

Lu Han stutters out a response, not sure of whether he's saying yes or no. Tao gives him a little pout that's unbearably cute on someone so sexy. "I'm starting to think that you don't like me. You're here every week but you've never requested a dance. Sehun said you were into me but…"

"You've noticed me?" Lu Han asks, surprise overtaking any embarrassment he might have. 

"Of course," Tao replies, a disbelieving note in his voice. "You're the most attractive guy here - of course I've noticed you." 

Lu Han knows that Tao is probably just flirting with him to try and get him to buy a dance, but he says the words with so much sincerity that it makes Lu Han feel squeezy. It's not true anyway. Lu Han knows what he looks like - he knows that other people consider him beautiful - but he doesn't think that he compares at all to Tao. 

He says as much and Tao smiles so prettily at him that he almost twinkles. Just like the other dancer Tao looks much younger up close and Lu Han wonders if he's too young for him to be lusting after. Lu Han's at a stage in his life where he should be looking to settle down and further his career, not be in a club flirting with a stripper. 

He fidgets self-consciously with his tie and Tao gives him a cheeky little smile. 

"That's the other reason I noticed you - you're the only one who comes here dressed in a shirt and tie." 

"Oh." Lu Han hopes he hasn't gone bright pink but judging by how hot his face feels, he probably has. 

Tao gestures to Lu Han's empty glass. "If you don't want a lapdance, would you like another drink?"

Lu Han isn't sure where his courage comes from, but he finds himself saying, "Only if I can buy you one too."

He's sure that Tao twinkles at him again, and then he's looking around the room, as if he's checking to see if anyone is demanding his attention. And then he sits back and agrees. "That sounds nice."

Lu Han can hardly believe that the guy he's been lusting after for weeks is sitting across from him making conversation. The fact that Tao seems genuinely sweet should help, but it doesn't. He's flustered, and he knows that he's bumbling over his words.

"You don't look 29," Tao comments, after Lu Han tentatively gives him an answer to his question.

Lu Han feels much, much older some days. He can see his life stretching out in front of him, and it's always the same - long, boring, unfilling. "Can I ask how old you are?"

Tao looks at him coolly. "You can ask. It doesn't mean I'll tell you." Then he laughs, immediately destroying the effect. "I'm 20." 

He's so _young_ , Lu Han thinks. Compared to him, Tao is just a baby. Lu Han can barely remember being 20, which is probably because there was nothing interesting to remember. While his friends travelled and partied, Lu Han mostly spent his evenings at home immersed in his books and loneliness. He dated a few girls - back then he thought that if he tried hard enough, he could still please his parents - but mostly he just studied.

They talk for a bit longer, until Tao regretfully says, licking his lips clean, "I need to get back to work. Thanks for the drink." He unfurls himself from the chair. "See you next week?" he asks, almost shyly, and Lu Han quickly agrees. 

"I'll see you next week." He wouldn't miss it for anything.

 

*

 

Lu Han's colleagues are ugly drunks. 

It's Friday night again, and Lu Han was _highly encouraged_ to accept one of the regular invitations to after work drinks. He always declines them, claiming that he has work to catch up on, but this week one of the founding partners came to talk to him. He's a nice man, he was the one who hired Lu Han as a new graduate, and he's been a mentor of sorts through the years.

Lu Han was told that partner selection would be occurring soon, and it was heavily hinted that it was highly likely that he would be made an offer. Lu Han doesn't know if he cares about that, but he respects this man, so he pretends to be excited by the news. 

"There's just one thing," Lu Han was told. "This firm - we believe we're a family. And I've noticed that you're not that friendly with your colleagues. I understand wanting to keep a respective distance and I'm not saying you have to be best friends with them - but try a little harder, hmm?" 

So here Lu Han is - trying. 

The problem is, he has nothing in common with his colleagues. Lu Han is amongst the youngest in his team, so most of the conversation - when it's not about work - centres around what private school their children are going to, which model of car they're going to purchase next, or discussions around the best location for a holiday home. 

Most of the time he can ignore it - he just needs to work with them, not be friends - but on nights like these, it's hard to ignore the gulf between them. 

Lu Han discreetly checks his watch, hoping that he'll be able to slip away in time to catch Tao's show. No one is paying attention to him, but he mutters anyway, "I'm going to the bathroom." 

He's tried enough, he decides.

Instead of the bathroom, he heads out the front door. Once he's out in the fresh air his steps quicken and he frantically waves down a cab.

He slips into the club five minutes before 11pm. His usual table is taken, but there's an empty stool by the bar. The view isn't as good from back there, but it'll do. The young kid is on stage again and Lu Han orders a drink while the kid finishes his routine. He's improving each week, his face becoming less and less impassive, but Lu Han can't wait for him to get off the stage.

Lu Han feels himself starting to relax now that he's here. Logically he knows that the club is seedy, skirting a line that many would disapprove of, but Lu Han finds it the opposite. At least here everyone is open about what they're wanting - what they're looking for. In his normal life Lu Han is surrounded by fakeness, faux politeness, pretentiousness. People who pretend that their motivations aren't debasing. He hates it. 

While he remembers to, Lu Han loosens his tie, slipping the entire thing off and stuffing it into his pocket, nodding a thank you when the bartender slides a drink in front of him. As soon as he takes a swallow, a familiar introduction comes over the speakers. 

And once Tao appears, Lu Han's shit week is forgotten. His asshole colleagues, the job that he hates, the fight he'd had with his father over the phone the other day. Everything narrows down to Tao and his ridiculously long legs, firm ass, and sultry glances into the audience. 

After Tao's routine finishes, Lu Han keeps an eye out above the crowd in the hope of catching him when he starts his walk around the floor. Unfortunately someone else grabs Tao's attention, and Lu Han watches as Tao disappears with them into a private room. 

The bartender notes his disappointment. "He's a popular one," the bartender comments, taking Lu Han's empty glass. "Another drink?" 

"Sure, why not," Lu Han agrees. 

An hour later, Lu Han has given up trying to catch Tao's attention. He drains the last of his glass. He's probably drunk a bit too much tonight - first the dinner out, and then while he was waiting - and he lets out a tiny hiccup as he makes to stand up. 

"You weren't going to leave without saying hello, were you?" a soft voice asks from next to him and Lu Han blinks, a little blearily, at Tao. He looks stunning as always. Tonight's shorts are blood red, and he has matching sneakers on but nothing else. Tao's hair is swept up, his fringe off his face, and his eyeliner is a little smudged but still looks good. "Would you like a dance tonight?" Tao's eyes rake up and down Lu Han's body, before he notes with amusement, "I don't think you need another drink."

"Do I really look that drunk?" Lu Han says, and he's proud that he doesn't slur his words, but then he ruins it by hiccuping at the end. 

"No," Tao says, giving him a very quick and gentle pat on the knee before moving his hand away. It's the first time Lu Han has been touched by anyone in a long time, and he feels a rush of heat and longing. "But your eyes betray you." 

"I think…" Lu Han says slowly. "I would like a dance."

Tao takes his hand and Lu Han stumbles off his stool, following behind blindly. Tao's hand is warm in his, and Lu Han clutches it tightly, like he never wants to let go. 

There's a security guard stationed outside the private room, and he sizes up Lu Han as they near. If Lu Han wasn't so drunk he'd feel intimidated - no doubt that's the desired effect. The guard is a big guy, easily a head taller than Tao, who's not short himself, and twice as large, with huge biceps and forearms. He gives Tao a small nod before letting them enter. 

The room they go into is relatively small, with three of the walls covered by floor to ceiling drapes. There's not much furniture - a couch and cabinet set against the wall, plus a single chair awkwardly placed in the middle of the floor. It looks comfortable, being well padded but armless, and Tao tells him to take a seat as he closes the door. 

The room spins a little. Lu Han is probably far too drunk for this. Nevertheless, he digs in his pants pocket and retrieves his wallet, holding out the entire thing to Tao so he can take his fee. 

"What are you doing?' Tao asks, a laugh in his voice. "You're just going to give me the whole thing? How much do you have in here anyway?"

Lu Han has hundreds in there, he always withdraws the maximum amount of cash he can on Fridays. He mutters something, waving it at Tao, and the room spins again. 

Tao laughs softly, taking his wallet from him, but he doesn't open it. Instead he places it into Lu Han's lap. "You're too drunk for this." 

Lu Han can't help but agree. He _is_ too drunk for this. He rubs a hand over his face. "I am. I'd love to see you dance, but, god, I just want you to sit on my lap and talk to me." He realises what he said too late, his hand shooting up to cover his mouth as he curses his lack of filter. 

"You want me to sit on your lap and talk to you?" Tao repeats. "I'm taller than you, I'd crush you." Despite his words, he lowers himself onto Lu Han's knees, facing him as he sits astride his thighs. "Like this?" 

Although Tao's feet are resting on the ground, keeping his full weight off Lu Han, he's still relatively heavy. But Lu Han welcomes it, the physical proximity. He hadn't realised how much he'd craved this, just the feeling of someone else. Lu Han doesn't know what to do with his hands, and they remain flopping uselessly by his side. Tao drapes his arms over Lu Han's shoulders, and it's casual and natural, like he does this all the time. 

"You can touch me," Tao laughs. He seems to be doing that a lot tonight - laughing at Lu Han - but there's an undertone of affection there. At least, Lu Han hopes so. He brings his hands up and rests them on Tao's slim hips, Tao's skin warm even through the material of his shorts. 

"Tell me about yourself," Lu Han says. "If that's okay. Or not. Umm. You can talk about anything." He just wants to hear Tao's voice. 

Tao peers down at him, surprised. "You were serious about the talking… most guys, when we're in here… they don't…"

"Oh, no, I don't… like that… I mean, shit I do, but… fuck…" Lu Han blusters through his words, not even sure of what he's trying to say. "I just want to hear your voice," he confesses. He wants more actually, but it's a start. 

Tao smiles at that, and it's the sweetest thing that Lu Han has seen in years. 

Lu Han gets what he's asked for - Tao talks to him. He starts by telling Lu Han more about the strip club, and then veers into a story from that evening about Sehun - the guy on stage before Tao - who ripped his shorts ten minutes before he was due on. Tao describes how they sat there frantically sewing these damn shorts - Tao stitching one end and Sehun the other, almost stabbing one another in their haste while Sehun's intro played on loop outside. 

Lu Han laughs at the appropriate parts but he's only barely registering Tao's words, mostly just listening to the soft lilt and drawl of his voice.

After a while, Tao's stories petter out, and he asks Lu Han a question. "Why are you so drunk tonight? You're normally so composed. No tie, even." He's been idly stroking the back of Lu Han's neck as he talks, sending shivers down Lu Han's spine. 

Lu Han's drunk because he hates his colleagues and he hates his job and sometimes he hates his life. He doesn't tell Tao that. Instead he says, "It's just been a bad week. But it's better now." He blushes when he realises how cheesy that sounds, although he's being completely sincere. He's lucky that Tao seems to find him amusing rather than creepy. 

"Well," Tao says, and Lu Han thinks that he sounds a little regretful, "I should go."

"Oh. Yeah. Of course." Lu Han realises that they've spent far too long in this room - at least 30 minutes - and when Tao gets off his lap, Lu Han grabs his wallet to pay him. 

"Ah, you don't have to -- I didn't even give you a dance --" Tao protests when Lu Han pulls out all the money he has. 

Lu Han stops him with a stern look. "If you hadn't spent time with me, you would've danced for someone else - right?"

"Yeah…" 

Lu Han presses the money into his hand. He doesn't know exactly how much he's giving Tao but it doesn't matter. It's pathetic but he thinks it's money well spent considering it's the nicest evening he's had in ages. "Then you're taking this." Sitting down for the past 30 minutes has sobered Lu Han up considerably, but when he stands all the blood rushes into his legs, making him wince. Tao immediately comes to this side to support him and Lu Han gives in the urge to lean against Tao, feeling his body flush against his - just momentarily - before he pulls himself away. "Thanks. I'm fine. It's just pins and needles."

All the skin contact is making Lu Han heady. He hadn't realised how much he'd craved it - just the plain sensation of being touched, skin on skin. His parents have never been physically affectionate, and haven't hugged him since he graduated, and it's been years and years since Lu Han dated someone. He finds himself regretting pulling away so soon, even though he knows that it wouldn't have been appropriate to have lingered any longer. 

Outside the room, Tao turns to him before he wanders off. "See you next week?" 

If it's possible, Lu Han is even more hopelessly, helplessly, hooked than before. "Definitely."

 

*

 

"Ahhhh shit!" Lu Han swears loudly when he almost drops his keys during his hasty attempt to lock the front door. 

He's running late and his hangover isn't helping. He didn't have time (or the stomach) to eat anything, only just managing to swallow a couple of painkillers before sprinting out of his apartment. He hopes they'll kick in soon, preferably before he reaches the park and is surrounded by shouting children. 

When he arrives, only a tiny bit late according to his watch, it looks like the match has just started. It doesn't take him long to spot his best friend, Minseok, on the sideline with the other parents. He's all zipped up in a large hooded sweatshirt and already cheering proudly.

It's Minseok's son's first football match. Jongdae is five and tiny, and it takes a while for Lu Han to find him amongst the other children on the field. His cheeks are pink and he's cute in his oversized jersey, the shirt hanging almost down past mid-thigh. He looks like he's having fun. 

"Lu," Minseok greets when Lu Han comes to stand next to him. "I can't believe you're late! You're never late for anything." 

His friend might be teasing him, but he's correct: Lu Han is always punctual. He can't remember the last time he was delayed for anything, with the exception of today. He blames his hangover, his late night, and the fact that children's sporting matches are held stupidly early on a Saturday morning. 

"Remember when we used to play?" Minseok asks as they watch. There's chaos on the field as the children run around, uncaring of which position they're meant to be playing, their limbs barely coordinated. 

"Of course," Lu Han replies. He's been friends with Minseok for a long time, since primary school, and once upon a time they were both five and running around a football field like the kids they're currently watching. 

"I still don't know why you gave it up," Minseok says. "You were so good." 

"You were good too," Lu Han tells him. 

Minseok shakes his head, then lets out an encouraging shout as Jongdae tries to tackle another child for the ball. "I never took it as seriously as you did. I always thought that you could play professionally, I was so surprised when I came back and found out that you'd quit." 

Minseok went away on exchange in their last year of high school. They didn't see each other for six months, and in that time Lu Han quit football altogether. He didn't tell Minseok until he returned, and by then it was too late for his friend to change his mind. 

"I was never good enough for it to be anything other than a hobby. " 

Minseok side eyes him, and appears about to argue when Jongdae's team gains possession of the ball, and there's a flurry of activity as eleven five year olds rush towards the goal, Jongdae in the middle of them. They're not skillful but at least they have enthusiasm on their side, and the defending team look confused and unsure of what they're meant to be doing. The child playing centre position shoots, his kick jerky, and the ball wobbles towards the goal but misses by a narrow margin. 

All the parents groan. 

The children are having so much fun, their faces pink with exertion. Even though they didn't get a goal, Jongdae is beaming, and Minseok gives him a thumbs up as he runs back to his position. 

Lu Han has no doubt that Minseok will be on the sidelines for every one of Jongdae's games - just like his mum and dad did. Not like Lu Han's. Lu Han's own parents never once came to watch him play, and it was Minseok's family who ferried him to matches and practice. 

Lu Han finds himself tensing at the memory, and forces himself to relax, to stop digging his nails into the palms of his hands. 

The whistle blows for half time and Lu Han stops thinking about it.

 

*

 

"Thanks Ma," Lu Han says politely as she hands him a cup of tea. "And how have you and dad been?" 

His mother insists on seeing him at least once a week, so Lu Han, ever the dutiful son, drops by after Jongdae's football match. He always does his best to time his visits so he can keep them short. 

"Oh, you know. We're okay. Getting older every day." She says it casually but Lu Han knows that it's another dig at him, an implied comment about the fact that he hasn't settled down yet. "You? How's work?"

Work is work. Corporate law is boring and he hates it. The more years he spends in it, the more he despises everything about it - his clients, his colleagues, the focus on money and power. 

He must have screwed up his face at his mother's question because she asks, "What's wrong? Has something happened at the firm? I thought things were going well there."

"Nothing's happened. I just… it's nothing." There's no point in telling her, so he changes the topic. "I went to Jongdae's first football match this morning. Minseok says hi." 

"Ahh. He's such a good boy," Lu Han's mother says with a smile. "So filial and polite. I saw his mother the other day - she was gushing about Jongdae." 

Why is it that every comment she makes feels like a slight? Unspoken is the implication that Minseok is a good son - unlike Lu Han - because he's married and has a child. 

Nothing that Lu Han has done has ever been good enough - not ever. He quit football, he became a lawyer, he's wasted his youth chasing a validation that will never come. 

His mother notices, of course, because she's perceptive in some ways when it comes to Lu Han. "Hannie. What's wrong? You're so grumpy today. Really - is something going on at work?" 

Lu Han gives her a fake smile. "No, sorry. It was just an early morning today. Your garden is looking nice," he says, trying to subtly encourage her to talk about something else. It works, and she tells him which vegetables are ready to harvest, and the work she needs to do to put the garden to bed for the winter. 

She doesn't seem to notice that Lu Han isn't really listening, that he's just nodding politely as he drinks his tea. It's interesting that, in other ways, she's not perceptive at all when it comes to Lu Han. 

 

*

 

The following Friday, Lu Han manages to find a suitable excuse to decline the regular invite to after work drinks, and he makes it to the club early enough to get his usual table. He removes his tie and rolls up his shirt sleeves to the elbow before relaxing back into his seat. 

Normally Sehun is on at this time but they seem to have switched up the slots because there's a different boy on stage. Like Tao he's tall and tanned - this club seems to have a plethora of incredibly good looking men - but while he's a beautiful fluid dancer, Lu Han just finds himself hoping that Tao still has his regular time slot. 

While he's waiting for a drink to be delivered, Sehun slinks over to his table. "Would you like a dance?" he asks. He's dressed in a pair of shorts - not as tiny or as tight as Tao's normally are - and a large tank top that's so long it shows off most of his chest. There's a smear of something glittery on his skin, and it catches the light as he moves, his bare collarbones twinkling each time he moves. 

Lu Han shakes his head, declining politely.

Sehun gives him a little pout and Lu Han is starting to revise his earlier perceptions of him being cold. "You must be the one Tao told me about. It's not fair that he gets all the cute customers."

"Tao talked about me?"

Sehun shrugs a slim shoulder. Lu Han realises immediately that they probably talk about all their customers, and that it's not as if he's specifically special. "Yeah… He said you were nice." He gives Lu Han a coy glance. "And that you tipped well." 

At that Lu Han blushes, remembering that in his drunken state he'd given Tao all the money he had on him. To be fair, even if he'd been sober, he probably would've still done the same. 

"Anyway," Sehun says, hand coming up to toy with the strap of his tank top, as if he's going to tug it down. "If you change your mind, or want something a bit different…" 

"Thanks," Lu Han tells him quickly to stop him. "I'll let you know." But before Sehun can leave, Lu Han asks, "Wait - is Tao up next?" 

At that Sehun gives him a little smirk. "Yeah, he'll be on soon. There's a little surprise coming up. Enjoy."

Lu Han nearly chokes on his drink when the "surprise" is unveiled. It's Tao and the guy who was on stage during Sehun's usual slot - together. 

There's not much of a routine - it mostly consists of them grinding up against each other, but the patrons in the club go wild, shouting out encouragement as the pair dance together so closely they're practically one. 

It's exaggerated and obviously for show, but they both play their roles well, giving each other such heated glances that even Lu Han can feel the temperature rising from his seat. At one point the new guy runs his hand up Tao's spine and up the back of his neck to grab a fistful of hair, jerking Tao's head back. Tao's entire stance relaxes, goes limp in the other guy's hold, and Lu Han lets out a shaky breath as mental images flash into his mind. 

The joint routine ends with an almost kiss, Tao turning his face away just before their lips connect. After a pause to catch their breaths, the other dancer exits the stage, leaving Tao alone. 

Lu Han watches Tao's solo routine in a daze, shifting uncomfortably. He doesn't know how to feel. It was hot and erotic but Lu Han also feels -- he feels -- it takes him a long moment before he finds the right description for the unrest in his veins, ultimately deciding that it's envy, not jealousy. 

Later, when Tao drops by his table, Lu Han is practically out of his seat before Tao can even get out his question about a lap dance. 

Once they're in the private room, Lu Han doesn't let Tao lead him to the chair in the middle, instead going to the small two seater couch that's pushed up against one wall. At Tao's questioning glance, Lu Han says, "Can we just talk again?"

Tao's face splits into a grin. "Really? Sure. Do you want me to sit on your lap again?"

Lu Han goes bright pink, and it's answer enough for Tao, who drapes himself sideways across Lu Han's legs, one arm slung around Lu Han's neck. Lu Han circles his arms around Tao's torso and tries not to hold on too tightly. Tao, like Sehun, is wearing a long tank top tonight but it's so lowcut that if Lu Han looks down he could easily see the firm planes of his chest. He resists the urge. 

"Did you like my routine tonight?" Tao asks once he's comfortably settled. 

"I did…"

"Did you like the part with Jongin?" 

"The other guy? I --" Lu Han stutters, looking away, afraid that Tao will be able to read the emotion on his face. "Yeah. It was really hot."

He can tell Tao is pleased by the compliment. He seems pleased by all compliments and Lu Han wants to shower him with them, wants to stroke his hair and tell him how beautiful he is. But no doubt he hears it all the time. 

Just like the previous week, Lu Han encourages Tao to talk about whatever he wants. A few minutes after he starts, Tao settles down further, curling up so he can rest his head on Lu Han's shoulder. 

Lu Han's heart flutters a little, and he gently, gently, tightens his hold. 

 

*

 

This continues on for weeks. Lu Han visits the club on Friday nights, watches Tao's routine, and then Lu Han pays him to sit on his lap and talk to him. 

He finds Tao surprisingly open, willing to answer all the questions that Lu Han asks. Even though Lu Han is careful not to ask questions that could be considered too private, Tao doesn't seem to mind giving him personal information. He's probably too candid for his own good and Lu Han wonders if it's due to youth or naivety. Or something else. 

During a conversation where Lu Han admits that he's a lawyer, Tao even tells Lu Han why he strips. 

"It's for the money, of course," Tao admits freely, and so casually that he's obviously unashamed about it. "I also work in a bar, but I earn more in one night here than in a week at the bar, so…" he shrugs like it's an obvious choice. Tao's saving money to travel - he has a vague outline of where he wants to go first, and a goal of how much money he wants to start with, and then? _"I'll just see what happens."_

There are times when Tao makes Lu Han feel particularly old and jaded. Tao expresses himself in a way that exposes how he sees the world - full of opportunity despite any limitations. And yet there's something alluring about him that keeps drawing Lu Han back. 

At his age, Lu Han was in the middle of his studies, chasing an embossed piece of paper that - these days - he'd like to burn. He finds it surprising that Tao's family seem to support him in his endeavours. Although they don't know he's a stripper, Tao talks highly and lovingly about them, and it's apparent that they have a good relationship. 

But it's not just Tao who talks. Lu Han finds himself telling Tao things about himself that he rarely discusses - even things that he normally keeps to himself. Lu Han doesn't know why he finds him so easy to talk to. Maybe it's Tao's sweetness, his earnestness, his lack of judgement. He has a simplicity about him that Lu Han isn't used to. He's simultaneously the most open and intriguing person that Lu Han's met in a long time. 

One Friday Lu Han asks Tao about his piercings. 

They're something that Lu Han has admired for a while. Personally, he's always wanted to pierce his ears but never went through with it, afraid of what his parents would say and how he would be perceived. Tao doesn't have that concern considering how many he has - six on the left ear and two on the right. He doesn't always wear the full complement, but when he does it's striking - particularly due to his penchant for sparkly gemmed studs or small dangly crosses. Tao allows him to touch them, to run his fingertip down the shell of his ear, and it makes Tao shiver on Lu Han's lap. 

Lu Han has to pull away before he succumbs to the urge to find out what else makes Tao tremble like that. 

The day after that Lu Han finds himself walking into a piercing parlour, coming out with a stud in his left ear. He tells himself that it's not because Tao told him that he'd look good with one. 

"What is that?!" Minseok asks when he next sees him at another one of Jongdae's football games. It's further into the season and getting cold, and Minseok is all bundled up in a bulky coat and thick scarf. "Aren't you a little old to be getting a piercing?"

"No," Lu Han says immediately, touching it self-consciously. It's still new and only half healed. "Why would you say that?" He's embarrassed though because Minseok speaks the blunt truth, as always. He probably is too old for it. 

Minseok slings an arm around his shoulder. "I was only joking. It looks good." They watch the kids for a while and then he asks, "Hey, are you free to babysit on Friday night?"

"Umm… how long for?"

"A couple of hours. It's fine if you can't, I can ask someone else - I'm sure work is really busy for you." 

"No, it's not that. I could… I just need to leave by 10.30pm." 

"Really? Why, you have a date?" Even though Minseok is just teasing, Lu Han can't deny it in time, and Minseok's eyes widen. "Wait - you do! Who with?"

"No, no, it's not like that," Lu Han tries to say, doing his best to dampen the conversation before it goes into territory he's not willing to talk about. 

Realisation dawns on Minseok's face. "The earring… Okay, you need to tell me everything." 

Fortunately they're interrupted by a flurry of action on field. One of the kids - fortunately not Jongdae - has tripped and is in tears. It's only a temporary reprieve though. They've been friends since they were toddlers, and Lu Han knows that Minseok won't let it go. 

And soon enough, once all the kids have been calmed down and the match has resumed, Minseok says sternly, "Right. Spill." 

Lu Han starts with, "It's not a date." Just to make things clear, but Minseok eyes him knowing. 

"But you've met someone?" 

Lu Han hates the fact that he can't lie to his best friend when he's asking him a direct question. "Sort of." 

Minseok can somehow read between Lu Han's two words. "You've met someone you like."

"...yes."

Minseok frowns at him, like he's trying to figure out what Lu Han isn't saying. "There's a problem… Are they married?"

"No! God, no!"

Minseok reaches out for Lu Han's hand, before very carefully asking, "Is it a guy?" His grip is strong, and Lu Han can't pull away, even as his heart speeds up. 

"Why-- why-- what--" he sputters, hoping that no one around them is eavesdropping on their conversation. Minseok doesn't say anything, just waits, until Lu Han lets out a quiet, "Yes." Lu Han looks down at the grass. "How did you know?" Lu Han has never told him. 

Minseok doesn't answer his question directly, instead saying, "Remember the speech you made at my wedding? When you said that you knew I would marry her before the thought had even entered my mind?" Lu Han nods. His best friend was so in love, that he knew 6 months before Minseok proposed that's where they were headed. "The way you knew? That's how I know. I've known for a long time, and it's never made a difference to me." 

Lu Han can't cry, not here, not surrounded by parents and children. Minseok squeezes his hand before releasing him. 

"Tell me about this guy."

Lu Han doesn't tell Minseok everything, instead giving him the brief version, knowing that the things he _doesn't_ say are the important things: he's a stripper and I pay him to talk to me. Instead he tells Minseok that Tao is handsome, that he's kind, that he likes photography and puppies and has a multitude of piercings. 

Minseok interrupts him in the middle of his gushing. "You really like him."

Lu Han has barely admitted it to himself, but now he has to confess it to his best friend. "I really like him. But… it's not going to go anywhere. He's too young for me." 

"I think," Minseok tells him, "That you shouldn't worry about things like that. If you like him, and he likes you, then you should give it a chance."

Lu Han smiles and nods, but inside he tastes sadness. He doesn't know if Tao likes him - but even if he did, Lu Han is not good at taking chances. He's good at taking the safe road - the one where he knows the destination. Tao is too much of an unknown. 

Suddenly Minseok is shaking his arm, shouting. On field, Jongdae has the ball, running as fast as his little legs can carry him. He kicks, missing, but it doesn't deter him and he tries again. This one connects strongly, sending it flying towards goal and straight into the net past the goalie.

It's the first goal of the game and Jongdae's team erupt into cheers. It takes over a minute before the coach can calm them enough to get them back into position to restart the game. 

"That's my son!" Minseok is saying to anyone within earshot. "Did you see that? That's my son!" He claps Lu Han on the back, lit up with happiness and pride. "His first goal! That's my boy!" 

The rest of the game is uneventful, and Jongdae's team win from the one goal that he scored. Minseok gives Jongdae a big hug when he comes off the field, his son tiny in his arms, but flushed and happy.

"Did you see my goal, Uncle Han?" Jongdae asks, bouncing on his toes and beaming up at him. 

"Yes, and you were great," Lu Han tells him, smiling, ruffling his slightly sweaty hair as Minseok wipes a cloth over Jongdae's face, cleaning off the dirt he'd managed to amass on his cheeks. 

"Keep working hard and one day you'll be as good as your Uncle Han was," Minseok tells his son, and Lu Han knows that it's a compliment but there's a familiar ache in his chest that he's been ignoring for a long time.

"You'll be better," Lu Han tells Jongdae, knowing that it's the absolute truth. "You'll be much better."

 

*

 

"If you don't like your job, why don't you quit?" Tao asks him one Friday. He's curled up in Lu Han's lap, as per usual, and it's pathetic how quickly this has become the highlight of Lu Han's week, how much he looks forward to these 30 minutes. He hasn't told Tao that much about his work, just that it's boring, but Tao, although young and naive in many ways, is astute enough to hear the words that Lu Han doesn't say. 

Lu Han doesn't know how to answer Tao's question, because - oddly enough - he's never considered quitting. What would he do if he did? Go to another firm? It would be much the same, wouldn't it?

"It might be different," Tao argues. "You'd have different colleagues, maybe you'd have different types of cases. You might be happier."

And if he wasn't?

Tao shrugs. "Then you could go somewhere else. Try something else." 

It's conversations like these that make Lu Han aware of how much younger Tao is. Tao sees situations like these as _easy_ \- if one thing doesn't work, then try something else. He hasn't had enough experience in the real world to know that life doesn't work that way. Sometimes life is a trap - you make a choice and then you're stuck with it, hurtling too fast down a one way street. 

Lu Han can feel Tao frowning against his neck. He's tense now, and Lu Han strokes down the curve of his spine to calm him. He's not afraid to touch him anymore, not after weeks of this, but he's still careful about it. He doesn't want Tao to think of him as _one of them_ \- those sleazy guys who leer at him and say degrading things to him as he dances. Lu Han might be sleazy in his own way - no doubt their chats could be construed as such - but at least he's not like _that_. At some point Lu Han stopped thinking of Tao as the incredibly sexy stripper, and as… Tao. 

"What would you do if you weren't a lawyer?"

"I don't know." Lu Han went into law to please his parents, even though that was one of their disappointments because his grades weren't good enough for him to go into medicine. "I -- I used to want to play football." Lu Han has never actually voiced this to anyone - not even Minseok. "But that was ages ago. I'm far too old for it now - I haven't played in years." 

"Why did you stop? Did you get injured?"

If only Lu Han had an excuse like that. "No. I -- it was just a foolish teenage dream. That's all it was."

Tao pulls away so he can look him in the eye. "There are no dreams that are foolish." 

_All dreams are foolish,_ Lu Han thinks, but doesn't say. _Especially this one._

 

*

 

Lu Han's been reading and rereading the same contract for hours and has only made it a few pages in. One of the other associates drafted it, and it's up to Lu Han to review it to ensure that it's legally valid and enforceable. 

It's a dull, boring, job but vitally important. This particular client might be small compared to some of the others they have, but this is a million dollar deal, and Lu Han needs to ensure that all terms are correct. Normally he can do this sort of work with ease. He's not fast at it, but he's accurate, and that's more important than speed. 

Today though, even though it's quiet in his office, he can't seem to focus. His mind keeps wandering off the words on the page and towards his conversation with Tao the previous week.

He shakes his head, thinking about the question that Tao asked him. _Why don't you just quit?_

It might be easy for someone like Tao, but it's not that simple for Lu Han. He has a mortgage, responsibilities, a career to think about. Besides - it's not like it's so bad that he needs to quit. Is it? Admittedly, he has said that he hates it - abet only to himself and Tao - but people do things they hate all the time. It's not like his parents enjoy their jobs. His father doesn't work 18 hours a day, 6 days a week, because he enjoys it. His mother doesn't clean houses for the super rich because she enjoys it. Sometimes you just have to endure, and it'll be worth it in the end. That's what he's always been taught. 

Funnily enough, he's never once considered what's waiting for him at the end.

Lu Han gives up, deciding that he needs a break before he can tackle the contract again. He leaves his office, going to the staff room. He bypasses the tea, reaching for the coffee container instead. Even instant coffee, as disgusting as it is, is better than tea. He's never told her, but he's never liked it and only drinks it when he's with his mother. 

As he's stirring hot water into the coffee powder, two junior associates from a different team enter the kitchen.

"Hey! Lu Han!" one of them, Chanyeol, says. The other, Yifan, gives him a less exuberant greeting. 

Lu Han politely says hello. He knows that Chanyeol will try and strike up a conversation - he's overly friendly, no matter how many times Lu Han tries to shut down his attempts. 

And as expected: "How's your day going?" Chanyeol asks brightly. Lu Han thinks that it's almost genuine and is tempted to congratulate him. 

"Alright," Lu Han answers shortly. "Reviewing a long contract."

"Fun," Yifan comments dryly, his sarcasm evident. He's a bit more reserved than Chanyeol, and the two seem to roam the office as a pair. They started at the firm around the same time, and _everyone_ seems to love them. But Lu Han has knows their type: tall, handsome, smart, wealthy - and assholes. 

He doesn't bother asking how they are, not particularly interested in making small talk. Instead, he extracts himself from the staff room with a muttered, "Should get back to it," and sequesters himself back in his office with his coffee. 

With a sigh, Lu Han picks up his favourite red pen and gets back to work. 

 

*

 

It's Thursday night and Lu Han is at Minseok's place. 

While Minseok bathes Jongdae, Lu Han picks up the dirty mugs sitting on the coffee table, taking them through to the kitchen and putting them in the dishwasher. He wipes down the benches, and stows the cereal box still sitting on the table back into the pantry. Lu Han has always known his best friend to be orderly and clean - he's been that way ever since he was a child. Minseok was the type who always put his toys away, or hung up his coat immediately after taking it off. His wife, Junmi, is the exact opposite, and apparently Minseok's bordering on obsessive tidiness has given up the battle. 

Lu Han busies himself cleaning a little, returning to the living room and collecting Jongdae's toys and clothes. By the time he's finished he finds Minseok leaning against the doorway, watching him. 

"You don't have to do that."

"I don't mind. Is Jongdae asleep?"

"Yeah, he was out like a light." 

They settle on the couch and Minseok flicks on the TV. Lu Han's over to watch a football match, but they still have a bit of time before it starts, the screen still playing the pre-game programming. They've been friends for so long that they don't need to talk whenever they're together - they can sit in silence and be comfortable. But after a while, Minseok asks, "How's things going with that guy you like? Have you told him yet?"

"No, not yet." But Lu Han has been thinking about it, about just saying what he actually feels for once in his life. But then there's the part of him that says that his feelings can't possibly be mutual. 

All the words that Lu Han has always kept to himself are starting to feel heavy. 

"You should," Minseok encourages. "Just tell him." 

Lu Han nods. "Yeah." He draws a shaky breath, nervous just from discussing it, finding his palms sweaty. "Maybe I'll say something tomorrow."

"You don't have anything to worry about, you know? He'd be crazy to reject you. You're an amazing person, Lu. Don't forget that." 

 

*

 

**Half time**

 

Lu Han licks his lips nervously as Tao gets settled on his lap. He's going to do it. He's going to tell him. 

"I have something to tell you," Tao says to him. He seems nervous and for a moment Lu Han's heart starts ascending in hope. "It's my last shift tonight. I've saved up all I need and… I'm leaving in a couple of weeks." He bites his bottom lip, clearly nervous about Lu Han's reaction. 

Lu Han's heart crashes to the ground and shatters. 

He plasters a smile on his face. If there's one thing lu Han is good at, it's pretending everything is fine.

"Oh. That's great. Really - that's great!" He covers up his disappointment by asking Tao about his plans, and Tao is so excited - now that he's dropped his news - that he doesn't notice that Lu Han is faking it. 

"So where are you going first?" Lu Han asks him. "Have you booked everything? Where are you staying?"

"I dunno! I have a flight to Colombia - I'm going to start in Bogota, stay for a few days, and then figure things out from here." He seems hopelessly underprepared, in the way that only someone who's young and who has all the time in the world can be. All his plans seem vague and he seems to be banking a lot on _I'll just see what happens!_

How is he not afraid? Nervous? Worried about what he's going to do after his money runs out? 

"Well, I can always strip again - right?" Tao laughs when Lu Han asks him that question. "If I get too desperate, all I need to do is scrape up enough for a flight home." He's particularly animated tonight, all wriggly in Lu Han's lap, hands gesturing wildly as he speaks. And then he realises how he's acting. "Sorry. I guess I'm just excited." He calms down, settling into his usual position with his head on Lu Han's shoulder.

Lu Han is going to miss this. He holds Tao tightly and thinks about how _much_ he's going to fucking miss this. And it's probably not just Tao, but also that, for 30 minutes every week, he has someone who's solely focussed on him. Who's only talking to him. Who's listening to _him_. 

It's like having a therapist - the most bewitching, warm, attractive therapist possible, who sits on his lap and strokes his ego. 

"Y'know… I feel bad that I've never properly danced for you." 

"Don't be. This has been… I've really enjoyed our time together. I'm going to miss it." 

"Oh," Tao hums. "When I go -- you could ask one of the others? It depends on what you want. Jongin doesn't talk much, but if you want someone to listen - he's great. Sehun, however, isn't so good at listening but when he gets comfortable with someone you can't shut him up." 

Lu Han revises his earlier thoughts. It _is_ Tao. He can't imagine doing this with someone else. He doesn't want to. 

He can feel Tao hesitating, his fingers beating out a nervous rhythm on his shoulder. "Can I ask you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Why have you never hit on me? You don't think I'm attractive?"

"I think you're very attractive."

"Then why?"

Because, Lu Han thinks, that if he ever admitted how much he wants Tao, he'd never be able to forget it. Because Lu Han is the master of denying what he wants, he's the master for settling for second best instead. He opens his mouth to give a glib answer, but finds Tao's lips against his instead. They're soft and slightly chapped, the kiss tentative and unsure, but it's enough to make Lu Han forget his control, tilting his head so he can kiss Tao back thoroughly. He kisses him hungrily - mapping out his mouth, wanting to know him, consume him - as he pulls Tao tightly against him, Tao's bare chest hot and firm even through the layers of Lu Han's shirt. Lu Han kisses him until they're both breathless, until he has to pull away, his head reeling. 

"Our time must be up," Lu Han finally manages to choke out. Tao pouts but Lu Han nudges him off his lap and to his feet. "It's time to go." 

"But…" 

"Thank you," Lu Han tells him, pulling out a stack of bills from his wallet. "I hope your trip goes well." He needs to get out of this room, get away from Tao, before he says anything stupid. 

"Lu -- "

Lu Han doesn't let him finish, pushing him towards the door, his urgency readily apparent. "Safe travels. Thanks again." 

Tao gives him a long look, his eyes half hooded. He seems a little like a lost puppy but Lu Han can't think about why right now - can't allow himself to. Finally, Tao nods, closing his fist around the money Lu Han has given him. "Thanks. Bye." 

Lu Han can't help himself - he watches Tao disappear into the club, shoulders back and head held high. The bouncer stationed outside the door of the private room gives him a sympathetic look but doesn't say anything. 

Lu Han wipes the sweetness off his mouth, tries to forget that he's ever tasted it, because now he knows for sure that all sugar turns bitter at the end. 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**2.**

Lu Han reads the last line of the story, closing the book. Jongdae is almost asleep, his blinks slow and heavy, and Minseok leans over to give him a kiss, tucking the covers around his face and wishing him a quiet good night. 

"Good night," Lu Han echoes, and then follows Minseok out of Jongdae's room. They go into the kitchen, where Minseok opens the fridge, retrieving a couple of bottles of beer. 

They twist the caps off, leaning against the kitchen counter. 

"Thanks for coming over," Minseok says. He looks tired, with unusually dark bags under his eyes. Lu Han hasn't quite figured out why yet - his friend had texted him at the end of the day asking if he was free for a couple of hours. Lu Han had shown up in the middle of Jongdae's bedtime routine, and Jongdae had demanded that Lu Han read him a bedtime story, pulling on his hand and taking him to the bookshelf to select a book.

In the end, he read Jongdae three stories. Minseok, while a very loving father, is normally more disciplined than that, but tonight he let it slide. 

Lu Han knows something is wrong. 

"Is everything alright?" 

Minseok doesn't respond straight away, taking a few more sips from his bottle. 

"I'm getting a divorce." 

"Oh. Shit. Seokkie, I --" Lu Han doesn't know what to say. He's never been good at this type of stuff and this is completely unexpected. Lu Han had always assumed that Minseok and Junmi would be together forever. 

"She's moved out," Minseok continues, and his face looks haggard in the harsh kitchen lighting. 

"I'm so sorry." Lu Han sets his beer down so he can wrap his best friend into a hug. "I'm really, really sorry." 

Minseok and Junmi have been together for almost ten years. Lu Han can't imagine how it must feel to accept that things are over. But Minseok seems more resigned than anything, and it's as if the news is affecting Lu Han more than him. Lu Han really thought that they'd be together forever. He'd never seen a couple so well matched before, never known two people to complement one another so well. If they couldn't make it work - what hope is there for anyone else? 

"Anyway," Minseok says after a while. "It's okay. We're okay. Sometimes things just don't work out." He sighs heavily, shaking his head. "The hardest thing was telling Jongdae."

"He'll be okay," Lu Han consoles. "He's resilient." Children are - aren't they? Until they grow up and harden, become brittle and breakable. 

"Yeah. I keep telling myself that it's better for him in the long run. We don't hate one another - yet - so it's better that we separate now before we get too bitter. That would be the worst - to stay together for him and create a miserable environment." They drink in silence for a while until Minseok checks his watch. "Do you need to leave in a couple of hours?" 

While it's a Friday night, Lu Han hasn't been to the club in weeks - not since Tao left. "I don't have to go."

"Not seeing your friend tonight? Did you ever tell him that you like him?"

Lu Han hasn't told Minseok the latest. He's been doing his best not to think about Tao at all. It's just another chapter of his life that's over. 

"Not really. It doesn't matter anyway - it was never going to come to anything. He's moved away, so…" 

Minseok gives him a _look_ that tells Lu Han he's going to pry everything out of him. Lu Han shrinks a little and tries to stay tight lipped but over the next hour Lu Han finds himself telling Minseok _everything_.

Minseok, to his credit, doesn't judge him, but he does shake his head exasperatedly. "Well, we're a right pair. I'm getting a divorce and you're in love with a stripper. Could we be any sadder?" 

"I never said love!" Even Lu Han winces at the volume of his own voice, and they both listen out to check that he hasn't woken up Jongdae. 

When all seems quiet, Minseok says, in a more reasonable volume, "Why didn't you tell him? God, he kissed you - why didn't you say anything?"

Lu Han waves his hand in a hopeless gesture. "What was the point? He was leaving and it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. I mean - even you and Junmi haven't worked out." Now that he's heard about Minseok's divorce, he feels amply justified. What's the point of even trying if it's not going to work out? Why put yourself through all that heartache? That effort? This is why it's not worth it, you should just do what's expected of you.

Minseok is looking at him like he's a fool. "Just because it hasn't worked out doesn't mean I wouldn't do it again. It's been the best time of my life - we have Jongdae and ten years of wonderful memories. I mean, of course I'm sad that it's over, but I don't regret any of it." His tone turns gentle. "I think it would be worse to regret the things I never had the courage to do - don't you?"

Lu Han can't answer that question because those are the only regrets that he has.

*

"And how have you been, Ma?" Lu Han asks, leaning in to give her a kiss on the cheek before handing her a bunch of flowers. They're cheap grocery store flowers that he purchased on the way to her house. Once upon a time he would've bought her an extravagant bouquet but these days he's smarter. 

Because instead of saying thank you, she tsks and says, "I've told you so many times not to spend your money on me." Every time Lu Han disappoints her it still stings, although he should be long used to it by now, no matter how much he tells himself he no longer cares. 

He follows her into the kitchen as she fusses around, hunting in the cupboard for a vase. She finally fishes one out, hidden right at the back, one that looks like it may have been a wedding present judging by how dated it looks. He brings her flowers at least once a month. He doesn't know why the vase always migrates its way to the back of the cupboard. It's as if she does these things to deliberately taunt him. 

While she gets the vase, Lu Han starts the kettle to make tea. 

"Use the new bag of gyokura I bought," she instructs as she's placing the flowers into water. His mother has always been a frugal person, and tea is her one extravagance. Sometimes he thinks about bringing her tea instead of flowers, but then he realises that he would never be able to select the right kind. F 

Once the tea has steeped enough, they carefully take their cups through to the living room. 

As per usual, she asks how work is going. It's always the first question - as if there's nothing else important in his life. She's not wrong. Normally he answers with _it's fine_ or something equally unmeaningful but lately he's been thinking a lot. About his conversations with Minseok, with Tao. 

"It's awful," he says instead, and it's the most honest thing he's said to her in a long time. 

She pauses, her tea cup halfway to her lips. "Awful? I thought it was going well. Didn't you say that you thought you might make partner?"

He had told her that, and it's true. He even feigned enthusiasm about it, even though it feels like it might be a lead weight around his neck, anchoring him there, trapping him forever. 

"Yeah, but… I just don't..." 

"Don't what? What are you talking about?"

"My job, my career, _everything_ , it's all wrong." 

He can see how her forehead creases as she tries to understand what he's saying. "What's happened? You've always liked law? What have you done?"

Why is it that she always assumed that it's something _he's_ done? Suddenly, all the built up resentment, all the bitterness lodged in his throat, comes spewing out. "I haven't done anything! I hate law, I've always hated it!" he blurts, his hands shaking so much he has to put down his cup of tea before it spills. 

She's so confused, looking at him like he's someone she doesn't recognise. "Where is this coming from? You've always said that you enjoyed it. I mean - that's what you choose, and -" 

Lu Han cuts her off. "I never wanted to go into law, but you…" he cuts himself off, pressing his lips firmly together before he can say anything more that he regrets. 

"Me? I didn't tell you to --"

"But you wanted me to. Actually, no, sorry, you wanted me to be a doctor, but I wasn't good enough for that." The weight of her expectations has crushed Lu Han down over the years. He's shouldered it all, done his best to keep up, to be the person she wants him to be. But he's not. He never will be. 

His mother carefully sets her cup down on a coaster, before folding her hands in her lap. "The only thing I ever wanted was for you to be successful, to have a better life than I had." 

There's no point in even continuing this conversation, Lu Han already knows how it will end. It'll end up with him apologising and promising that he'll try harder. 

Lu Han takes a tiny sip of his tea, the liquid hot on his tongue. His mother never drinks it sweetened, and by now Lu Han is used to the bitterness.

*

Lu Han is in the staff kitchen when Yifan enters, for once without Chanyeol. Yifan starts when he find Lu Han spaced out, staring blankly at the instant coffee. 

"That stuff is gross," Yifan ventures, and Lu Han acknowledges his presence and his comment with a grunt. It's impolite of him - although he's not friendly, he's rarely impolite - but he's particularly tightly strung today.

Yifan stares at him for a moment. "Have we done something to you?"

Finally Lu Han stops spacing out, looking at him in surprise. "What?"

"Did we - Chanyeol and I - do something to offend you?" 

"What?" 

"It's pretty obvious that you don't like us, and i'm just trying to figure out why. Because if it was something we did, I'm sorry."

Lu Han can't help but look at him dumbly. "You haven't done anything."

"I know that Chanyeol can be a bit… excessive. But I think if you get to know him, both of us, better, you'll find that --" 

"Why do I have to like you?" Lu Han finally snaps. "Am I ruining your perfect track record? Because _everyone_ likes you - don't they? Why wouldn't they? I mean - look at you." 

Yifan jerks, like he's been hit. "No, that's not why I'm --"

"I've known guys like you all my life. Forever looking down on me, looking down on everyone," Lu Han tells him, and it comes out colder than he expects. "So excuse me if I'm not interested in getting to know you. Either of you." 

Lu Han shoulders past a shocked Yifan back to his office. He slides into his chair, already regretting the way he'd snapped. Normally he's so good at pretending, at telling people what they want to hear. First his mother, now Yifan.

There's a knock on his door, and when Lu Han says, "Come in," Chanyeol enters.

He's literally the last person that Lu Han had expected to see. 

"Can I help you?" 

"Why are you such a jerk?" It's probably not on purpose but Chanyeol looms over Lu Han's desk and it makes Lu Han feel small. 

Lu Han's growth spurt didn't hit until he was in his late teens, later than a lot of the other boys. While his shorter stature back then tended to be an advantage for football, he still remembers hating that feeling of being tiny and slight. 

"Excuse me?" 

"Yifan told me what you said to him." 

"Yeah, and?" Lu Han bristles, unconsciously drawing himself up in his chair. 

"Did it ever occur to you that you're not being fair? You're judging us and you don't even know us! What do you mean, guys like us? We've never done anything to you! I've done my best to be friendly because we're around the same age, and everyone says you're really smart and that I could learn a lot from you, but you keep shooting me down. I thought I'd done something wrong, and now I find out it's because you 'know guys like us'? What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't think I need to explain myself to you," is all Lu Han can think to say because Chanyeol seems so offended, and it's not the reaction he expected. 

"You're right - you don't. But maybe you need to take a good look at yourself. You seem to think that I'm prejudiced against you or some shit, but maybe you're actually the type of person you hate." 

* 

"Am I a jerk?" 

"Sometimes," Minseok tells him calmly. Then he gives him a nudge. "Are you going to order or not?"

"Oh!" Lu Han turns back to the counter, not realising that the customer ahead of him had moved, and places his order. "I'll pay for his too," he tells the person behind the till, referring to Minseok.

"I tell you you're a jerk, and you pay for my coffee. I should insult you more often," Minseok says once they've moved away to wait.

"Shut up," Lu Han grumbles. "It was a serious question." 

"And it was a serious answer. Yes, sometimes you're a jerk. But so am I. We all are. Why are you asking? Is this about Tao?"

Lu Han shakes his head. It's not about Tao - well, it's not _just_ about Tao. Their order is called and they return to the counter to collect their coffees, before making their way out of the cafe. The winter is bitter this year, and they both shiver slightly as the wind blows through their coats. 

Minseok takes a long sip and then asks him again. "You didn't answer my question - is this about Tao?"

"Not really. I don't know." Lu Han is starting to wonder if he's been wrong about a lot of things in his life. 

"Such good company today," Minseok says sarcastically. "I'm glad I came out on my lunch break to see you." They've been friends for long enough for Lu Han to know there's no sting in his words, but he huddles down into his scarf, hiding his frown. 

"Seriously," Lu Han says after a while, unable to let it go. "Am I mean to people?"

Minseok answers his question with one of his own. "Do you think you're mean to people?" It's a habit - answering Lu Han's questions with a question - that has always annoyed Lu Han, and he throws his best friend a sullen glare. 

But after a while, he replies, "Sometimes. Sometimes I'm mean."

"Why? What makes you be mean to people?" 

It's strange to think back now, but back in high school, Lu Han was popular. He had lots of friends - not just Minseok. He played sport, and he was attractive, and he was smart.

But then Minseok went away and Lu Han quit football, and it made him realise that his popularity lacked substance, was so light and airy that it was able to fly away on the flimsiest of excuses. And perhaps all he was good at was disappointing people. Guys who were no longer interested once he was no longer on their team. Girls who didn't want to be friends once they realised Lu Han could never like them the way they liked him.

They reach Minseok's office building, stopping just outside the doors. "Look, I don't know what's bothering you but we can talk more later if you like? Come over later tonight - after I've put Jongdae to bed." 

Lu Han realises that, while he does want to talk more about this, he doesn't want to talk about it with Minseok. Minseok knows too much about him. 

"No, it's fine," he tells his friend. "I'm fine. Just overthinking, as per usual. Enjoy the rest of your day."

*

After what feels like such a long absence, Lu Han feels weird walking back into the club, like he's not allowed to be there anymore.

He sits at the same table that he used to occupy, he can still recognise most of the other regular customers, but while everything is the same it all feels different. Sehun is wandering the floor, and when Lu Han spots him, he waves, gesturing him over. 

Sehun seems to come over reluctantly. "Hi… do you want a dance?" 

"No. I do want to talk to you though." Then, quickly, before he gets the wrong idea, "Not the way I talked to Tao - I just want to ask you a question."

Sehun eyes him, and it's a little wary. He _knows_ , Lu Han thinks. "What do you want to ask?"

"I just want to know how he is."

"He's fine. He's great. He's having a really good time." Sehun shuffles a little awkwardly and then lifts his chin so he's peering down at Lu Han. "Anyway, if you don't want a dance, I should go."

"Wait! Can I -- is there a way I can contact him? Can I have his email address?"

"I don't think that's appropriate," Sehun says coldly and Lu Han knows that Tao has told him everything. 

"Well..." Lu Han gropes around in his mind for a compromise. "Can I give you mine to pass on to him? Can you tell him I asked about him? And that I would really like to stay in touch?" 

Sehun's expression doesn't warm up at all, but he gives a little half hearted shrug that Lu Han takes for acceptance. He pulls out his wallet, taking out one of his business cards, along with a $50 note. He holds them both out. "Here's my details."

Sehun gives him a withering glare, like he's the scummiest man he's ever seen, and he plucks out the card, leaving the money behind. "I'm doing this for Tao. You can keep your money - you can't buy everything." He reads the card and then adds scornfully, "Lu Han." 

*

Lu Han doesn't hear from Tao.

It was a long shot but the more days that pass with no email, the more Lu Han realises that he'd been hoping more than he'd been willing to admit to himself. 

*

"No Ma," Lu Han says into the phone, "I can't make dinner." He does his best to keep his voice even, to not show that dinner with his parents is the very last thing he wants to do. "I'm just really busy at work," he half lies, knowing that it's the only excuse she'll accept. 

It's a half lie because his work load is of his own making. Other associates think that he's putting in long hours to show his dedication, but actually it's because he doesn't want to go home. 

Finally he manages to hang up the call, going back to his computer. The screen has gone to sleep and he wriggles his mouse to turn it back on. 

He has an email.

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Hello

In his haste to open it, Lu Han almost knocks over the files sitting next to his keyboard. He rights them, stacking them up neatly, before he allows himself to turn back to his screen.

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> Subject: Hello
> 
> sehun said you'd been asking about me?
> 
> so, hi?
> 
> tao

Lu Han quickly types out a response, although now he's not exactly sure of what he wants to say.

> FROM: luhan@vlrk.com
> 
> RE: Hello
> 
> Hi Tao.
> 
> Thanks for emailing me… I really wasn't expecting you to.
> 
> I guess I just wanted to say hi, and that I hope you're doing well. How's the travels going?
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Lu Han

As soon as he sends it, he thinks - no, that's not what he wanted to write.

He types a new one and hits send before he can think too hard about it, before he can change his mind.

> FROM: luhan@vlrk.com
> 
> RE: Hello
> 
> Actually, I really wanted to tell you that I miss you. I sincerely hope that you're well. I understand if you don't want anything more to do with me, but I just had to tell you.
> 
> Sorry.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Lu Han

He manages to respond to a few more queries in his inbox - work related ones this time - when there's a ding notifying him of a new email.

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> RE: Hello
> 
> hi
> 
> sorry for delayed response, had no internet access for ages, because i was on a ship in the galapagos. 
> 
> also i don't know why you're apologising? i was the one who kissed you but i obv read it wrongly. i didn't mean to make you uncomfortable, i was surprised when sehun gave me your email.
> 
> travels are going really well. :) i don't know if you know much about the galapagos? i spent some time sailing around the diff islands - it's rly beautiful and all the diff islands are v. distinct. i saw tons of wildlife but my favourite were the tortoises. some of them are 100+ yrs old, pretty incredible. they were really cute, tho old and grumpy and quiet and slow - kind of reminded me of you. :) (jk)
> 
> tao

Lu Han reads Tao's email, and lets out a shaky laugh. He flops forward, resting his head on his desk, and draws in a deep breath. He doesn't think he's reading it wrong. Tao _doesn't_ hate him - at least, he doesn't seem to.

He reads the email again - it's so _Tao_ , and he can almost hear him talking - the way his voice goes all pitchy and fast when he gets excited about something, the way he mumbles certain words in that low drawl of his. 

Lu Han settles back into his chair and starts typing a response.

*

Lu Han holds the ball in his hands, squeezing it in between his palms. 

Once upon a time, this was the only thing he wanted in life.

He purchased it on a whim on his way home from the office. There's a large sporting store on his walk to the subway, one that he passes by every single day and never given a second glance. But today something made him walk inside. 

The ball is brand new and pristine, and from where he's holding it near his chest, he can smell the familiar tang of leather. He drops it to the grass and sets his foot on top to keep it still. 

Lu Han is still in his suit and dress shoes - hardly appropriate attire to be playing football - and he ignores the odd looks that joggers send him as they run past. 

It's been over ten years since he last played, and he's not sure if he remembers how. But when he starts he finds that muscle memory kicks in, and he falls into a dribbling drill that he's done many times, with ease.

It feels good to be playing, even though his skills are rusty and his fitness is terrible. He'd forgotten how fun it used to be, before he got caught up in his own expectations. 

Later, at home, when he's freshly showered and hair still wet, he flops on his couch and types out an email to Tao on his phone. They've been swapping emails for the past month. Tao has moved on from where he was and is somewhere… Lu Han isn't entirely sure where, but it sounds like he's having fun. He sends Lu Han emails when he can and Lu Han's been keeping track of his movements on Instagram. 

Their emails have become increasingly personal - at least, Lu Han's have been. He finds himself typing emails to Tao at odd hours on random subjects, even when he knows that Tao won't have internet for a few days and can't respond promptly. 

Over the past few emails they'd been writing about fears - brought on from Tao's descriptions of the huge bugs that he's been seeing.

> FROM: luhan@vlrk.com
> 
> RE: Hi
> 
> It's not silly to be scared of bugs - they're disgusting! I'm scared of heights and that's about as silly.
> 
> By the way, you can stop nagging me about it now - I managed to apologise to those colleagues I told you about. I was right: they _had_ been avoiding me, so it took a while to find the right situation where I could speak to them privately.
> 
> Maybe you're too young for this but… do you ever think about the things you wish you had done? Once upon a time I gave something up that could've changed my life... and now I don't know why.
> 
> (Sorry that this isn't a very chirpy email. You're halfway across the world and I'm still using you as my therapist. I'm sorry. I should wire you some money.)
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Lu Han

There's something about the distance that makes it easier for Lu Han to be open and frank in a way that he doesn't think he's ever been with anyone before. He sets his phone down and goes to bed. The next morning he has a new email waiting for him.

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> RE: Hi
> 
> i'm also scared of ghosts :( when i was a kid my older cousins dared me to go thru a haunted house alone. it was rly dark and scary! they didn't stop teasing me about it for ages and ages. :(
> 
> i guess everyone has regrets about things they haven't done? my wushu teacher once told me something i've never forgotten: most people wait for opportunity to find them, not realising that if they hold out their hands - it's sitting right there. 
> 
> i guess what i'm saying is - you can't go back and grab an opportunity once it's lost, but _next time_ you need to close your hand when another one comes by. :)
> 
> xoxo tao

> FROM: luhan@vlrk.com
> 
> RE: Hi
> 
> You're quite wise sometimes. Maybe it's the wushu.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Lu Han

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> RE: Hi
> 
> maybe
> 
> :) :) :)
> 
> xoxo tao

*

Later, Lu Han lies in the darkness of his apartment, unwilling to summon the energy to get up and turn on the light. With three bedrooms and two full size bathrooms, it's ridiculously large for one person. He doesn't even use half of the rooms available - one of the bedrooms is completely empty and he hasn't opened the door to it in over a year. He doesn't even need it for storage space. 

He doesn't know why he bought the place, except - at the time - it felt like it was expected of him. 

Lu Han is starting to realise that through his entire life, he's done far too many things solely due to other people's expectations. 

Lu Han holds his hand up and splays out his fingers. Even in the gloom he can just make out the shape. He closes his hand into a fist and wonders if he's brave enough. 

*

"And one more signature…. here!" the agent, immaculate in his pressed suit and whitened teeth, directs as he points to the space on the page. He'd taken great pains to impress upon Lu Han his successful track record and how he consistently manages to get the highest price for his clients, but Lu Han couldn't give a damn about that. He'd selected the man at random. 

Lu Han scrawls in another signature and the agent beams at him, gathering up the paperwork before holding out his hand, pumping Lu Han's hand up and down firmly. "That's great, Mr Lu, I'll get the process started asap. This place will be in great demand, I don't foresee any problems." 

Lu Han leads the agent out of his apartment, feeling lighter already. 

*

Lu Han breaks the news to Minseok during dinner at his friend's place. Jongdae is with Junmi, and it's just the two of them. 

"So… where are you going to live?" Minseok asks, before eyeing him suspiciously. "You're not thinking about moving in with me, right?" 

Lu Han laughs at that. "What? Of course not. I'll worry about that later - my place hasn't even sold yet." 

Minseok hums thoughtfully. "If I didn't know any better, I'd think you were having a mid-life crisis." 

"It's not like that."

"Uh huh," Minseok says. "That's what you say now - I expect that you'll be buying a ridiculous sports car before long." He gathers their plates and takes them through to the kitchen, where he grabs a tea towel and throws it in Lu Han's direction. "Since you're here you may as well help me with the dishes."

*

> FROM: luhan@vlrk.com
> 
> Subject: Change of email address
> 
> Hi
> 
> Change of email - please email me in future at luhan90@gmail.com.
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Lu Han

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> RE: Change of email address
> 
> is this what i think it means?
> 
> xoxo tao

> FROM: luhan90@gmail.com
> 
> RE: Change of email address
> 
> Yes. :)
> 
> Regards,
> 
> Lu Han

*

Lu Han's mother smooths down the fabric of the couch next to her. He's never noticed before but her hands are worn and weathered, with age spots standing out starkly on the back. There's been silence in the room for five minutes, but Lu Han refuses to say anything further. 

"You quit your job?"

"Yes."

"To do what?"

"I don't know." 

This is the part that he knows she can't understand - how can he possibly quit without having something else to go to? 

"And you're selling your apartment?"

Lu Han nods. 

"Well --" she seems at a complete loss. "I don't know what you want me to say? You seem to have made up your mind already, so you obviously don't care about my opinion. I just don't understand what's happened to make you do this?"

Lu Han holds his tea cupped in both hands. He can feel the hot liquid burning through the porcelain, but he still holds on tightly. Lu Han knows that she's disappointed again - he can feel it seeping through her voice and her expression. 

"I wanted to play football." It's the first time he's ever said it to her. 

"I'm sorry?"

"When I was younger - that's what I wanted to do. Play football professionally. I was good, you never saw me play but I was really _good_. I could've..." he trails off. _I could've been something._

She's looking at him like he's someone else. "Why are you telling me this now?"

"Would you have accepted it? If I'd wanted to pursue it in high school? You wouldn't have - would you?" 

"We only ever wanted the best for you," his mother tells him slowly, and she's choosing her words so carefully that it makes Lu Han snap. 

"You never wanted what was best for me," Lu Han says, and it comes out more bitter than he intended. "You wanted a perfect son, someone you could point to and say - isn't he wonderful, handsome, and rich? Money and prestige are the only things that ever mattered to you."

"Oh Han," she says as she recoils. "I just wanted you to have security. Yes, of course I wanted you to have money and a stable career. Does that make me the worst mother in the world? Do you know where your father and I came from? What we've had to do to give you the life you have now? When we were your age - we worked so hard. Both of us, working two jobs - just trying to provide for you." For some reason she looks sad, when Lu Han expected more anger in her defensiveness. "You don't know how hard it was for us - trying to keep our house, to buy food, to put you through a good school so that you wouldn't ever have to experience the same thing." 

As she keeps talking, Lu Han starts to realise that while he's heard this story a million times, perhaps he's never truly listened to it. "Even with you and football - do you think we never came to see you play because we didn't want to? Do you think I wanted to work nights, that your father worked weekends, just so we could avoid coming to your games? Do you really think that's what we wanted?" Her eyes are downcast and he's never seen her look so defeated. "I just wanted you to have a better life, and I thought I was pushing you in the right direction… but… I must've been wrong for you to hate me so much."

"I don't hate you," is all Lu Han can think to say. 

"You act like it," she tells him before standing, picking her cup up off the table. "Are you staying for dinner?" 

"No."

"Okay," she says and walks out of the room.

*

> FROM: huangzitao@gmail.com
> 
> RE: Parents
> 
> you're not going to like this, but i think you were a bit mean. :( she's your mother? she rly does want the best for you? i dunno, it sounds like she just wanted you to have everything she didn't have?
> 
> or maybe i'm just assuming things because i miss mine. :(
> 
> anyway what are your plans for when you finish work? are you going to watch lots of daytime tv? if you need a job, i can put in a good word at the strip club for you. ;)
> 
> xoxo tao

*

"I know you don't like flowers," Lu Han says as soon as his mother opens her front door. "But I bought them for you anyway." 

She sighs as she accepts them, and she looks old in the dim light of the hallway. "It's not that I don't like them - I'm a gardener, of course I love them, I just don't want you to waste your money on me." 

Lu Han actually listens to her for once, doing his best not to jump to conclusions, to stop his immediate defensive response. 

"Ma, I buy you flowers because you deserve them. It's not a waste of money to me." He wants to smooth out the frown lines on her forehead but instead he reaches to take the bouquet from her. "I'll get the vase and make tea. Why don't you sit down?" 

She hesitates for a moment. "Thank you," she says as she hands them over. Previously, perhaps Lu Han would've picked over those two words, looking for a trace of sarcasm, but today he's trying to be better, softer, _kinder_. Maybe Lu Han is starting to realise that it's not that his mother thinks that _he's_ not good enough, but that _she's_ not good enough. 

"You're welcome." 

Lu Han makes tea, the way he's been taught, taking a tray out to the living room where she's waiting. They make idle small talk, skirting over the big topics, the ones that cause tension between them, but they stand in the corner of the room, waiting to be acknowledged. Finally, Lu Han places his cup down on the table. 

"I'm sorry about last time," he says carefully. "I shouldn't have been so short, and I'm sorry." 

She presses her lips together, and Lu Han resists the urge to fill the silence and just waits. "I'm sorry too. About everything. I just --- I really tried to do what I thought was best for you." She hesitates before she continues, as if she's unsure he wants to hear it, "Do you know what I wanted to be when I was young?"

Lu Han shakes his head. 

She smiles but it doesn't reach her eyes. "I wanted to be a doctor." Lu Han would laugh if it wasn't wholly inappropriate. "Hannie, you might not believe this - I was really smart. But I was the oldest of five kids, and a girl, and I needed to work to help my parents support the family." Her mouth twists wryly. "I would've given anything to have been able to stay in school." 

Lu Han's mother rarely talks about her youth and her childhood, but Lu Han has never asked either. He barely knows her. Perhaps that's her failing but - maybe - it's also his. 

"So I know about giving up your dream for someone else," she continues. "I'm sorry that you felt I wouldn't have supported you." She laughs, but it's bitter. "I didn't want you to end up like me, and yet you are - just in a different way."

Perhaps that's the saddest thing that Lu Han learnt from her and his father: to give up what you love for someone else. To not realise you can fight for a dream, to let the opportunities sitting in your hand fly away. But is that something he can blame her for? 

And is it too late to change? 

*

After a couple of hours of hard labour, Lu Han wipes his forehead with the back of his hand and surveys his apartment. 

Almost everything is packed up, with only a few areas left to do. It's all mostly thanks to Minseok. He was the one who roped in Yixing, a high school friend of theirs, after Lu Han's panicked phone call, and together they descended on Lu Han's apartment with packing tape, as many flat cardboard boxes they could carry, and - in Minseok's case - a tendency to bark orders. 

Not that Lu Han is complaining. He needed them - both the supplies, and the orders. 

Everything that Lu Han owns is either being thrown out, donated, or being put into storage. It's good having Minseok and Yixing there because they're helping him be ruthless with his belongings and Lu Han is finding that there's really not much he wants to keep.

Once the apartment is empty and clean, he'll hand the keys to his real estate agent and the sale will be finalised. 

Lu Han looks around. The apartment is still a bit of a mess but they're making steady work of it. He's lived here for such a long time, and maybe it's weird, but he knows that he won't miss it at all.

"So I can really have this?" Yixing asks. He's sitting on the floor, on top of Lu Han's cow skin rug, stroking it gently. The rug is huge - it is, after all, from a cow - and coloured an attractive light caramel. 

Lu Han has always hated it. He only purchased it because, when he furnished his apartment, he opened an interior design magazine and basically bought every item that was shown in one of the photo spreads: the leather couches, the mid-century furniture (genuine of course, and not replica), the bar trolley that he's never used because he doesn't like having people over. 

"You can have anything in here," Lu Han tells him honestly. "I don't care about any of it." 

Yixing grins, flashing his dimple, before carefully rolling the rug up and placing it to one side.

"Did you buy a new place?" Yixing asks as he takes an armful of books off the shelf and hauls them over to the cardboard box that Minseok has just finished taping together. "I can't remember if you told me?"

While Yixing has a casual, laid back demeanor, he's sharper than he appears, although his thinking processes take a different path to most. His questions are always indirect, but Lu Han suspects that it's due to an unusual subtlety. 

"I haven't bought a new place," Lu Han confirms. He stops Yixing before he packs the law books. "They can go in the trash pile," he says.

"Then where are you going to live?"

"I don't know," Lu Han tells him honestly, to which Minseok gives a little scoff, even through the strip of packing tape he's attempting to rip with his teeth. "I thought I might do some travelling." Lu Han knows that Minseok is rolling his eyes, and when he looks over - he's correct. "What?"

"Tell him the truth," Minseok says. 

"What truth?" Yixing looks between the two of them, confused. "Wait - are you in trouble? Are you going to jail? Wow, out of everyone I know you always seemed the most squeaky clean --" Minseok gives a little noise of protest at this "-- wow, I can't believe it!"

"No, I'm not in trouble!" 

"He's going after a ~~~" Minseok singsongs, being interrupted when Lu Han swats him. Traitor. Minseok knows about Lu Han's continuing correspondence with Tao of course. Lu Han has kept him up to date, as well as forcing him to look at the entirety of Tao's Instagram feed. Naturally it had been Minseok who'd given him the final push to _do something_. "Have you actually told Tao you're coming yet?"

"Who's Tao?" Yixing pipes up, still looking baffled. 

Lu Han responds to Minseok first. "Not yet." And then to Yixing, "He's a friend."

Minseok scoffs loudly.

"A good friend," Lu Han amends, shooting Minseok a glare. "Now stop chatting, the truck will be here soon." 

*

"I can't believe you're actually doing this," Minseok says, and he sounds almost proud. Then his face goes all serious and Lu Han has seen that expression enough to know that he's going into dad mode. "Are you sure about this?" he says seriously, which is admirable considering he has Jongdae pulling on his hand, demanding attention. They've both noticed that Jongdae has been extra clingy since news of the separation, but Minseok seems to be dealing with it well. Without even breaking eye contact with Lu Han he leans down to heft Jongdae into his arms. "You can still change your mind. I mean - you hate flying, and you hate the sun, and the beach, and --"

Lu Han blows out a breath. "I'm sure." He tries to distract himself by ruffling Jongdae's hair. "I'll miss you. Will you miss me?" 

"Buy me a present!" Jongdae shouts in response, before wriggling to be put down. 

"I will," Lu Han crouches to Jongdae's eye level once Minseok sets him on the ground. "But only if you're good while I'm away, okay?"

Jongdae blinks at him innocently in a way that only a five year old can. "I'm always good," and both Minseok and Lu Han laugh. 

Minseok and Jongdae wait to one side while Lu Han checks in and deposits his luggage. Then they walk him to the security gate, with Lu Han and Minseok holding Jongdae's hand as he skips happily in between them. 

"Well, I guess this is where we say goodbye… I didn't think you had it in you, to be honest."

" _Hey._ "

Minseok grins, unashamed. "Make sure you don't wimp out. Send me a message to let me know you've arrived safely."

"Yes, _dad_ ," Lu Han tells him, earning a small shove in the shoulder as retribution. 

Lu Han said farewell to his parents last night, timing his visit so his father was home for once. His relationship with his mother was still shaky, but he could tell she was trying, and so was he. His father, well - Lu Han thinks that he barely knows the man - had just shook his head at the news and wished him a safe trip, and told him to call his mother occasionally. It was about as good as he could hope for. 

"When are you coming back with my present, Uncle Han?" Jongdae pipes up.

"I don't know, kiddo," Lu Han tells him honestly. He has a one way ticket booked. For the first time in his life, he hasn't overplanned this. There's no schedules and no set plans (except for one vague hope). He's just going to see how things go. It's scary and slightly overwhelming, but also: exciting. 

There's so many possibilities open to him. 

Maybe things will work out, and maybe they won't, but for once in his life he's going to try for something he really, truly, wants. 

*

**Extra time**

Lu Han would kneel down and kiss the ground if it wasn't considered suspicious behaviour and probable grounds for deportation. Instead, he calmly follows the sea of people to claim his luggage, chooses the 'nothing to declare' line - and he's out. 

He's hot, he's exhausted - both physically and emotionally, and he's pretty sure he needs about 10 showers to wash off the grime that's settled on his skin - but he also has a bubbling sense of excitement.

As he tugs his suitcase behind him, he cranes his head, trying to see over the crowd of people. 

He can just make out a familiar head bobbing above everyone, and Lu Han can barely resist the urge to rudely push everyone in front aside. He quickens his pace, doing his best to weave his way around all the slow walkers, trying to control his impatience. 

"Lu Han!" There's a joyful shout and then a body barrelling into him, sweeping him off his feet into a large hug. "I can't believe you came! You survived the flight!" A pause, and then, "I don't think I've ever seen you in casual clothes before!" Tao is firing sentences at him, 10000 words a minute, almost too fast for Lu Han to keep up with, hugging him so tightly that Lu Han can't even get a proper look at him.

"Hey, slow down." Tao finally quiets when Lu Han jabs him gently in the ribs. 

"Hello," Lu Han says.

"Hi," Tao beams back, his smile contagious.

They make their way out of the airport, Tao having forcibly taken over Lu Han's suitcase. There's a moment where they briefly argue about which mode of transport to take - Tao seems to think that walking to the nearest public bus will suffice, whereas Lu Han argues for a taxi. Lu Han wins when he reminds Tao how much he _hates_ flying, and he's happy to pay for the convenience of being taken straight to their accommodation.

The flight was truly awful. Lu Han has decided that if he never flies again it'll be too soon, but then he takes a look at Tao's face and he thinks that perhaps it was worth it. Lu Han didn't think that it was possible, but Tao seems to have blossomed in the many months since he last saw him. He looks relaxed and healthy, his face free of makeup, and his increased tan suits him.

Tao chatters about some of the places he's been and the things he's seen while they're in the taxi, but when they pull up in front of the place he's staying, Lu Han is agast. 

"You're staying _here_?"

Tao doesn't seem to understand the horrified tone in Lu Han's voice. "Yes…?"

Lu Han doesn't know if he should remind Tao that he's a fair bit older than him - Lu Han is almost 30 and there's no way he's staying in a hostel. "I can't stay here." 

Tao stubbornly tugs the suitcase after him, heading to the entrance. "Why? It's cheap and clean."

Lu Han grabs for his free hand to bring him to a stop before quickly releasing him. "How many people are you sharing a room with?"

"9 others. Why?" 

"That's why," Lu Han says decisively. "Let's grab your stuff and find a hotel."

"I can't afford a hotel." He's so matter of fact about it, unapologetic and unashamed, that it makes Lu Han smile. Some things don't change. 

They decide that Lu Han will book into a hotel while Tao stays at the hostel, since Tao refuses to let Lu Han pay for a room for him. It's understandable really - Lu Han is here as Tao's friend and nothing more. He can almost hear Minseok chiding him in his head, but now is hardly the right time. 

Thanks to the understanding person behind reception at the hostel, they're given the address to a hotel within walking distance. 

"I've never stayed in a place this nice," Tao whispers to Lu Han as he purchases a room for a week. Lu Han doesn't even think the hotel is that nice - he stayed in fancier places on the occasional business trips he's been on - Tao must've really been roughing it. 

After having successfully checked in, they go up to the room together. Lu Han unlocks the door with the key card, inserting it into the power slot on the wall that controls the lighting and the air conditioning when they enter. He's in an executive size suite, complete with a king size bed and balcony.

"It's so quiet in here," Tao comments, bouncing on the bed as he sits. "Won't you be lonely?" Then he flops backwards, arms outspread. "This bed is so nice though. Wow." He closes his eyes, sighing happily as he rolls over and snuggles into the covers. When Lu Han tells him that he's going to take a quick shower, he gets a sleepy murmur in response. 

When Lu Han reenters the room, towelling his hair and dressed in a bathrobe, he finds that Tao has fallen asleep. He's curled up and looking small in the middle of the large bed. Lu Han pulls on some clean clothing and lies down next to him, an appropriate distance away, but close enough that he can see Tao's eyelashes fluttering as he dreams. 

He's lovely, Lu Han thinks.

He's sweet and earnest and just _lovely_. 

Lu Han is only here because of an offhand comment he'd made during one of his emails - about how he was envious of Tao's travels - which had resulted in an invitation to join him (complete with a ton of exclamation marks). Lu Han is sure that Tao would've said the same thing to any of his friends that expressed an interest (Lu Han assumes they're friends, anyway) so he has told himself firmly not to think too much of it. 

It's hard though. Away from the confines of the club, Tao is so touchy and affectionate - hooking arms when they walked to the hotel, draping himself over Lu Han's back while he was checking in. 

Even though he feels refreshed from the shower, Lu Han's exhausted, but he doesn't want to sleep - if he naps now, he won't sleep when it's dark. Plus, this is nice, actually. The quiet sounds of Tao breathing and the low whisper of the air conditioning in the background. He doesn't realise how much time has passed until Tao murmurs quietly, "I hope you weren't watching me sleep, because that would be weird." 

Lu Han starts, sure that guilt is written across his face, but when Tao opens his eyes he gets a smile. "I was only kidding." 

"Sorry." 

Tao's smile widens. "I was just teasing. You haven't changed at all, I see - you're still far too serious." 

"It's the old age," Lu Han jokes. "Maybe I just need someone to remind me to lighten up." 

Tao's smile grows even larger. "Perhaps."

They're flirting, right? Lu Han isn't sure. He's never been great at this stuff, but this _feels_ like flirting. 

"Hey," Tao says quietly, whispering like it's a secret. "I'm really glad you're here." 

"Me too." Lu Han reaches over across the bed, stretching out his hand and Tao meets him halfway, closing his fingers lightly around his own. "I'm really, _really_ glad I'm here." 

*

One day, when they're both tired of travelling and being in a different place each month, when they eventually start to yearn for something stable - a pet, a job, somewhere they can just stop - they'll both return home together. By then Lu Han will have learned to be more relaxed, less set in his ways, to laugh more and go with the flow. And Tao will have matured a little, will be able to keep a tighter lid on his impulsiveness, and ease up on his stubbornness. 

One day, when they arrive home, Lu Han will introduce Tao to Minseok and Jongdae. He'll even introduce Tao to his parents, who will be a little unsure, but who will at least be polite although not particularly warm. 

More scarily - Lu Han will meet Tao's family and friends, who will give him a (gentle) grilling (but a grilling nonetheless) on his intentions towards their beloved Taozi. 

But that's all in the future. Right now, all they have is an opportunity, because that's all life is - a series of opportunities - and it's up to them both whether to hold on or let go.


End file.
